Preparing for a new season

This is pretty personal, but I'm going to go ahead & post it anyhow...

I try to take my kids' clothes from the previous year to a store to sell them... This helps tremendously to get some money to buy clothes for the current season/year. Most of my kids' clothes either come from consignment/resale stores or clearance racks.

Well... I've decided that I'm going to go ahead & sell my maternity clothes this time, too. I am finding myself very reluctant about doing it. I am just not sure I'm ready to end that season of my life. I feel like it's a statement--like I'm saying that I'm done, that I don't want any more kids. But that's simply not true.

We're at a point in our lives right now that my husband and I feel that it would be irresponsible of us to have another baby when we can barely afford the two children we have. We know we are blessed to have two healthy little girls, but I can't help but want another. But right now is not the time.

I'm thinking about making an appointment with my ob/gyn to get a semi-permanent form of birth control that lasts 5 years. Not completely permanent because emotionally, I just can't handle that right now--maybe not ever... and because our lives could change in a couple of years. I just can't give up the prospect of one more.

Almost everyone around me has 3 or 4 kids. I look at them and wonder how they do it. I have no clue. I just know I want what they have, but I feel like it's wrong for me to want something we really can't afford to take care of.

I'm sure there are other people out there like me... I know that I'm surely not alone. But right now, I feel pretty alone in this season of my life. :(

I may never again experience that excitement of knowing there is a baby growing inside me... feel that first little kick or hear that baby cry. Never see another child take her first steps or hear her say her first word. But I'm thankful to have had the privilege twice. And that is twice more than some will know that joy.