One more? or stop at two?

Well... Mike is home. He was gone for 3 weeks! He's been home since Saturday night, and it seems he can't stay awake unless he's behind the wheel of a big rig. Ugh. He's snoring on the couch as I type this entry.

So... this morning Mike says, "I think we should try one more time for a boy." I think it confused me. I thought we were finished. I have even considered having my tubes tied. I have gotten rid of a lot of things, thinking we were done. There is no way we can pay for another baby. We're still having a hard enough time making the payments on the hospital bill from when we had Jenna!!

Mike lost his sister as a young adult, and now he is the only child left. This thought enters my mind often... what if something happened to one of my girls? I could never replace them, but I would be left with only one child. Is it fair to my kids for them to each have only one sibling? Would one more be better? Would three be enough, or would we decide after the 3rd that we need an even number? We just bought a 3-bedroom house, and all 3 bedrooms are occupied!

I think I'm just confused! I thought I was finished having babies, and now I have all these thoughts floating in my head again. It hurts to think that my little baby is already 20 months old. She's still so small and sweet, but I can hear the terrible twos creeping in once in a while.

Delaney has even gone so far as to ask if, "next time" we could have a brother? Oh boy... I am not ready to have any kind of conversation with her about how babies get here, and she only knows that God put Jenna in my tummy! I worry that number three will put those same questions back out there again... and this time, I don't know how I would answer them. She's a bit older now, and she's so darn smart.

I'm thinking we could just do it and tell my parents it was an accident. Ha ha... I'm not sure they would get excited about another one. But they know our finances are pretty tight already.

And I know I don't want to work until my kids are in school, so that would push that date back a bit farther also. I have considered going back to work, but daycare for Jenna would eat up my paycheck pretty fast. She still needs her mommy, and she will probably go to preschool when she's 3 or 4.

But there is this thing going inside of me (like the wheels are turning in my brain)... if we do have another one, we should do it soon. Delaney & Jenna are 4 1/2 years apart. I would like them to be just a little closer together in age... And then, I am not getting any younger either! (Darn laugh lines!)

I feel a little better now... I really needed to vent!